Worst novel

What can you learn from bad writing?

You may have your own candidate for Worst Novel, but the general consensus, especially among sci-fi/fantasy fans, is The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis. It’s best described as a heroic fantasy on the model of Conan the Barbarian, whose protagonist burns and slashes his way from captivity to a ride into the sunset with his barbarian date. Self-published in a local fanzine in 1970, it found its way to the west coast and eventually online, where it became the target of mockery and geeky parlor games. To be fair, the author was only 16 when he wrote it, and he was so hurt by the novel’s reception he vowed never to write anything again (per Wikipedia).

That’s sad, because something could have been made of the story if he’d worked harder at his craft. The plot and pacing are not bad (judging by the chapter outline) and the visual imagery is sometimes striking. For example, here’s the opening paragraph, with misspellings and minor grammatical errors corrected:

The weather-beaten trail wound ahead into the dust-racked climes of the barren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age-worn hoofprints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescence from overhead, halfway through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdensome cargoes of their struggling overseers.

The chief fault is overwriting, a weakness that besets the blood-spattered, chest-heaving whole. Much could be improved with a simple strikethrough. Such as

The weather-beaten trail wound ahead into the dust-racked climes of the barren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age-worn hoofprints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless [noonday] sun cast its parching rays of incandescence from overhead, halfway through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore [and their] burdensome cargoes of their struggling overseers.

Substitute punchier adjectives and verbs for the lackluster ones, and you’d have an effective scene-setter. Unfortunately the quality descends as the purple prose becomes ever more bruised, making the novella a punching bag for aspiring writers who think, “At least I can do better than that.”

All writers can do better. One way to improve is by considering what the problem is with bad writing and how it can be fixed. The Eye of Argon offers a ready-made tutorial, especially for older teens who are interested in fantasy writing. Try pulling a few paragraphs from the original text and revise them to be shorter and punchier. You could learn a lot. (Warning: The storyline includes lots of overwritten blood and gore.)

This post originally appeared in the Wordsmith Teachers’ Lounge newsletter. The Teachers’ Lounge covers a wide range of topics and writing miscellany, with occasional giveaways. To receive the Teachers’ Lounge in your own Inbox (almost) every Wednesday, sign up here.